My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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