she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
