I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
