literally had 100 drinks last night.
I love having hate sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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