I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
