Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
