Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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