I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
