Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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