I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
