I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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