we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
