Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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