Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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