Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
