WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
