so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
