my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
