I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
