If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
it was like eating out sand paper
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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