I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
