Cold hands, warm shart.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
