I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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