Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
