I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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