I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
