Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
