remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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