i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
