You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
