I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
