if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
