Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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