Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
