She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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