Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
