u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
