What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
