so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Randomize
