I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
