he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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