I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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