Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
