my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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