I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I supernannyed him into submission
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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