he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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