in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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