Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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