6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
