my phone needs a breathalizer
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
