At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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