She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
