The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
