So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
