Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize