just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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