Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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